How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Aug 16 / Infinite Women's Network
Let’s talk about boundaries: A boundary is a line that marks the limit of an area, a divide, margin or confinement. Boundaries can be threatening to certain personality types, however the ability to exercise healthy boundary setting and maintenance is a skill. Learn how to improve this skill with four experts below. This blog post is an excerpt from the podcast: Your Voice; Your Power with Anika recorded in 2019 right before the holidays. This topic is timeless so we want to share these amazing tips today. To follow along, download the Boundaries Checklist.

Let’s dive in.

When you hear the word: boundary, what comes to mind?

What do you think about?

Who do you think about?

Boundaries can be classified into categories: physical, sexual, emotional or mental, spiritual, financial, and time. When we break it down, we have to be intentional in each area specifically. It's a fluid concept that will be tested over and over again. The more you get comfortable with recognizing the tests, the better you will get with exercising your power without apology.

To help shed light on this important topic, I have enlisted the help of 3 experts in the field of personal development and leadership: Linda Clay, Monica Zimmerman and Dhylles Victoria.

Meet Linda Clay:

Linda Clay:

Hey, how are ya? Thank you for having me inviting me here today. I'm a business coach and lifestyle strategist. I help entrepreneurs create the life they want first, and then build their business around them and get through all the stuff that goes with that.

Meet Monica Zimmerman:

Oh, hey, let's just jump right in boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I'm a transformational coach and emotional leadership coach, I work with women in terms of stepping into their greatness. How does one do that? Well, boundaries is the beginning. Boundaries equate to your success, no matter if it's relationship, or if it's business, If you're walking your dog across the street, you got to have some sort of boundaries to get to the other side. So I'm here and I'm grateful to be part of this diverse panel. And thanks, thanks so much.

All right, Dhylles, tell everybody who you are and what you do.

Meet Dhylles Victoria:

My name is Dhylles Victoria. I am a publicist and media story coach, I secure media bookings for aspiring influencers who are ready to share their powerful story after overcoming struggles so they can inspire world change right now.

Anika Wilson:
So we're going to to start off with Monica because Monica is the one that keeps me in check when it comes to boundaries. It's so funny, whenever I see her name, I think about boundaries. Whenever she says anything, I see her as my conditioning coach, like when you're running track, and no matter what they say, you know, they mean business. That's Monica. So let's start off with Monica and tell everybody a little bit about why this is an important concept for you.
What made you really emphasize this topic in your life, your business and in the lives of others?

Monica Zimmerman:
Well, I, I've been in the game for 25 plus years of either in middle management, running facilities, facilitating for others, hiring I mean. I was also a midwife for 16 years and it's interesting to see. New mamas and families really have to set boundaries with who's going to see the baby who's going to hold the baby. So I learned a lot from watching that whole process and in my own personal life setting boundaries with my own family, which is the hardest thing anyone can do. The closer they are to you in terms of relationship, the harder it is to set the boundaries and, you know, I just, I can share what I know. I have some secrets that I use that I'll talk about. It's helped me immensely and they're simple, nothing big and grandiose.

It's just simple, practical information.

Complications of Implementing Healthy Boundaries

Anika Wilson:
You know, it's interesting that you say that it's practical, because boundaries have been a struggle for me my whole life and it has impaired progress and caused immense pain over decades of my life. I didn't know how to implement boundaries, especially with my family. Family dynamics complicate the ability to initiate and maintain healthy boundaries. Especially as the youngest child. Cultural differences also play a major part too. When you incorporate mental illness, physical illness, trauma, divorce, loss and other components that can cause boundaries to be more challenging, it calls for real deal strategic change management and intentionality. Boundaries aren't automatic, and when dealing with certain dynamics, they're just not there.

When you come from certain backgrounds (cultural differences), you're not really allowed to implement boundaries. To put those (boundaries) in place. You don't feel that you are allowed. Knowing when you can and how to execute them, that's the key. We often feel that we don't have a right to, and so then you have extremes built up from suppression. Those extremes are what cause chaos, the inability to execute or maintain healthy boundaries.

Monica Zimmerman:
Yes. There's a great book. I'm going to jump here real quick, great book called “The Book of No: 365 Ways To Say It and Mean It,” by Susan Newman, PhD. There's 365 No's to say each day, and I found the book amazing. So I just want to throw that out there.

Be in the know, you know what I mean?

Anika Wilson:
All right, Monica what is your first topic?

Monica Zimmerman:
So here's the thing I'm just going to to jump into the list because we're here and people will have a short amount of time.

1. Assess the needs of your family:

So I assess the needs of my family. When we go away (holidays) to relatives, my kid's going to overeat on sugar, he's going to stay up too late. He's going to give me more disrespect than ever because, you know, he's trying to be his own individual. People show off and whatever, whatever.I accept that. So my leash is a lot longer. I don't have to be hovering so much around him. As long as I know, that's the game we're going to play once we go to the relative's house and kind of just let hands off. Hands Free. There's no, I don't have high expectations. I'm not set up to fail. Yeah.

2. Realistic Expectations

That's a really good point. Realistic expectations, you know, he's going to stay up late, he's going to be cranky. I'll let the grandparents handle that.
Expectation management: be flexible and realistic when determining what you will and will not expect and/or except compared to your norms. When we do not adjust our expectations, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. When we have zero expectations, we settle for less. Set realistic expectations.

3. Peace

I'm going to to go out here and take a break. Take a break as often as necessary to find realignment. When we're are in stressful situations, it is extremely important to maintain control. This can be achieved multiple ways: taking a time out, retreating to a safe space or communicating your feelings to others peacefully. That means think before you respond to situations.

4. Alignment

So get aligned with your parent, your co parent and your spouse, or united force. Okay? What are we going to really be? What's our focus? Is it to make sure that a, b and c are taken care of, or are we going to let that go? As long as you get on the same page with the person, you're traveling with your co-parent, again, your spouse, your wife, your husband, whomever in terms of how you want to parent, dependent upon the environment you are in. In this case traveling for the holidays, because it's oftentimes different at someone else's house than your own house because their rules vary. Whatever the case or circumstance may be.

5. Pause Clause

Potential arguments may arise. There's no guarantee but when you change environments, there will most likely be disagreements here and there. So, retreat to another room, you have the pause clause. I used to say when I worked for my pregnant moms, there's a clause where you can pause in your agreement. Right? So I'm going to to take five minutes, and we're going to go in another room. We're going to talk about what you just said or did needs to be addressed. I'm not going to air the dirty laundry in front of the relatives. Since these gathering occur maybe once a year, twice a year, in that instance, the kind of vibrations you want to put out into the world of how you are perceived, are dependent upon how you handle conflict. So we just take a moment. We're going to agree that we're going to step aside and take care of our business in another room. I don't allow any unkind behavior. I don't care what day it is. I don't care what house I'm in. I don't care what shoes I'm wearing.

6. Disrespect is Never Tolerated

It doesn't matter if you paid for my house. There's no reason to be accept unkind behavior from anybody. So that's a firm expectations set around me. Even more so during the holidays, next, change the subject or redirect the subject. Yes.

7. Change the Subject, Redirect

We discussed expectations, so we already know what we will and won't accept. So there's a conversation you're just not into. Hot Topic arises and you're like oh no. So redirect or say nothing. You know, you don't have to participate in that. You also know, other people's reaction to you is their reaction, which has nothing to do with you. Which kind of goes back to the Four Agreements. Are you familiar with that book?

Dhylles Victoria: Yeah. amazing book. Oh my gosh.

Monica Zimmerman: So do you want to speak who said Dhylles? Yeah. Do you want to speak on that. Talk about the book by Don Miguel Ruiz The Four Agreements changed my life.

Dhylles Victoria:
Yeah, I was on the elliptical. Four years ago reading a book, during my workout. And I realize I'm supposed to work out my brain and my mental and my emotional health. On that note, not so much the physical. So it helps me with boundaries, where my mom and my family was concerned because I was always The people pleaser saying yes to everyone, because I didn't want to be a disappointment. I didn't want to feel like I was rejected because growing up, that's how I felt. So it taught me, just more self love than anything else and self respect and making sure that I'm priority. Not to put myself last as I was doing. So that's what that book did for me. So I learned to say no, and oh, but also to know kn-o-w. So that's what that book did for me.

Right. And speaking back off of what Anika said, my mom, being that she was in and out of my life, when we did get together, it was kind of like, wow, I have her here. So I want to make sure I make the best of everything she wants me to do and say everything she wants me to say, oh bla bla bla bla, and afterwards, she was like, this is just BS. Like, I can't do this.

Anika Wilson
You know, it's eggshells, everything. Living your life on eggshells is a horrible feeling. I want to say something about what Monica said. She said, you do Don't have to participate. Exactly. Monica and I, were talking one day about the anticipation of conflict. It causes anxiety, just the anticipation of being in an environment that you're familiar with the dynamics, despite knowing that you are no longer submerged. There's something about revisiting the past the allows vulnerability to creep in. When we're in our own environments, we are able to control what or actions and the access of others to our world. Then you go back to a situation that really has pretty much prompted all of our careers, the past, as we have all been inspired by our pasts, creating businesses to inspire change.

8. The Growth Mindset (change management)

We've decided, okay, we're not doing this, we're going to do it a different way moving forward. Yet, there are instances where you have to go back, with the growth mindset.Your perspective is different. For many the challenge is integrating the new you into your old world. As women, we face that challenge over and over throughout our life span. We evolve through seasons and roles. We grow into moms, wives, CEO's, and confident women, though the integration is the hardest part. Although the confidence has been improved, old environments can cause the old feelings to emerge if the healing process is under construction. There are still times when we don't feel that we have a choice about what we participate in or what we're around. Acceptance, expectations and implementation.

Anika Wilson:
Monica also mentioned going into a different room, finding a safe space to have a conversation rather than in the midst of the family drama. I know in our family, everything goes down where it begins and ends. It's really hard to control the environment when you don't feel that you have the right. However, by choosing what we respond to, don't respond to and what we participate in, is empowering.

Take control of yourself in any situation, despite being called : "Too good, or bougie, or brand new". Whatever? I'm okay with that. It's called growth.

9. Learned Behavior

Linda Clay:

To that point, if I can, I know growing up, you actually weren't allowed to be yourself. There was a, I think it's a generational thing. I brought it up before we started. It was a scripting, so you have a family of children, and each one of them are put into a role that you then carry over into your adulthood. It's taken me years to understand that process and how to get past it. I'm still learning about how to get past it, Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about muscle memory. So much of what and how we react today in our adulthood, comes from situations we went through when we were children and sometimes we don't even recognize it. We're just reacting because that's what we've always done. It really came to head with me, since my oldest daughter has battled with substances since she was 14. She's in her 40s now, and she's homeless. She's gone through these huge challenges. Well, they affected me too. It wasn't until I stepped back and, I actually took a course on tough love that I realized that I don't have to take this, you know, and I actually had to go, Okay, I can't fix it. There's no band aid. There's nothing I can do as a parent. She's got to do this herself. That was the first time I set a really tough boundary. Fast forward years later, she's still doing drugs. She's had a, you know, unbelievable life. I could feel it sucking my energy, again. And so I had to say you know what, sweetie, I love you, I will always love who you really are, but I can't be around you until you're clean. When you're clean and you're ready, let's get back in touch. I didn't talk to her for over two years, it was the hardest boundary to set in my life. I think it goes to that whole point of we've got to look at ourselves, we've got to put those boundaries in place and honor ourselves in this whole process.

Anika Wilson:
That is very true. I know for me, it's very hard to set boundaries because I think abandonment issues contribute to me being a people pleaser like Dhylles mentioned. It's just always been who I was, it was my way of seeking validation that I didn't get as a child, and that stays with you. I sought the affirmation from my father's love, which was a huge void despite my mother trying to fill it as many can relate. When we talk about childhood issues, it's not a matter of blame, or finger pointing, it's simply recognition of a problem that needs to be resolved to gain confidence as an individual, a healthy self-concept. Our personalities were developed in early childhood and we look at the hyper-vigilance, if you look at the anxiety coupled with all of the things that we do trying to build the accolades, and it trickles all the way back to childhood. You also talked about generational curses. I was the youngest grandchild, back in the day we had the child's table and adult table. In our family, you now your place. You don't advocate for yourself, you don't speak up, whatever you get, you take and you shut up. Similar to what Linda said. It's scripted. Now, I look at these concepts from a psychological perspective and it attributes to how we think and view ourselves as adults. I think I'm the youngest on the call, and I'm 37, and I'm just now finding my voice. That is why I created the show titled: Your Voice; Your Power. When you're, muted, gagged, bound or muffled by society, people, jobs, relationships or whatever, and you're not allowed to advocate for yourself or speak up for so long, going through life trying to find a way to say what we really feel. It's crippling. It's paralyzing. So when we talk about implementing and executing boundaries, it contradicts what we're taught in our past. It's like, okay, you're telling me that I'm valuable enough that I can determine who has access to me. I can say what I feel and stand for what I believe? You know, that's really hard for a lot of people.

Linda Clay:
Well, I think for women especially they don't they really don't know how valuable they are. No, because I grew up, you know, in the 60s and we have burned our bra's, we were all about woman's rights, and we're going to do all this kind of stuff, right? I was talking to my niece a couple weeks ago, she's 35 and I was telling her, what I'm doing with my facebook group, and she goes, Auntie Linda, women are still the same. She said, they still lack confidence, they are still conditioned to take care of everyone else. Still losing theirselves. Mm hmm. To Monica's point, we need to work as a collective, to help women empower themselves to stand into their power because they got it. I mean, they are Earth changing and not be apologetic.

Right, and Yes no apology. My sister asked me that all the time, I'm like you I'm a people pleaser. I grew up as the middle child. So I had my younger brother, and my older sister. My grandfather was German. So I was always trying to please everyone, the Peacemaker. I was going to say the peacekeeper.

Anika Wilson:
It says a lot about the environment when you have a peacekeeper. It's unknown to most people, they don't see it that deep, but it's a red flag. When you have that a peacekeeper in an environment, it's a symbol of the dynamic. It just kind of, don't worry about it. It's okay if that person is trying to keep the calm. They're needed to manage the chaos. It carries into your life and normalizes chaos transcending into your environment and relationships. You have to learn that you can stop this before it happens. Women don't have value and it scares me because our teenagers, are facing additional challenges to the one's we faced with the addition of social media and self-image.

Right? Right.

Monica Zimmerman:
I wonder too, if I interject here, how many of those women are highly sensitive? I'm going to throw that in the mix. If you know there's chaos, you're seeing something happening in the room, and you want to try to fix it. You have that depth of processing, which is one of the traits of being highly sensitive, and I'm an extrovert. So people like oh, my gosh, you're an extrovert. Oh, yeah, I'm super sensitive. I just tell you about it. That's because we sense things and it's a trait people are born with is 20% of the population. I find a lot of my clients are only 20% are gems.

20% of the Population are Highly Sensitive

Yes, we all are. And let me tell you, everyone on this call, I believe is highly sensitive from what you just said, all of us, I'm saying this out loud. The reason being, we were the shamans. We are the shamans, the peacekeepers, the priestesses and the priests. We see. So back in the day when we all lived in, you know, huddles and huts and caves and whatnot. The highly sensitive people smell that smoke.

You ever heard that mountain lion and no one else's hand?

So since that's an impending danger, so I use mine as a superpower to the 10th as much as I can, daily, whatever whatever I just share that information so it goes along with being a peacekeeper, great, then do it with integrity, and with boundaries. That's right, then it's okay to be a peacemaker
because you're making peace.

Anika Wilson:
But like you said, Monica for 20 years I did it without the boundaries. I worked in social services I was on call, and I was full speed ahead. It was autonomic for me, as I was doing everything I could to try to keep people from feeling like I felt. Powerless in chaos. Now in business, I listen to you and Dhylles tells me all the time to cut it off, yet hyper vigilance has become a norm. You become so afraid to disconnect. The fear is that when you reconnect, you will have no control over putting the pieces back together. And that goes to show you, that no matter how far we've come, that the impact of our pasts, really affects our today and tomorrow. Like you said, going into the holidays, traveling and going back into environments and such, contributes to anxiety. I mentioned earlier that it's a misconception to assume that the holidays are joyous for everyone. Everybody doesn't get excited about the holidays. A lot of people escaped their families. So when you're talking about bringing all that back together after it has taken years to separate, and to get away, find your identity, find your inner, outer and physical strength it's a scary thought for some. Linda mentioned people who have the relatives who are in active addiction, I have a relative in active addiction. I don't even know what addiction it is because we don't talk about it, and if you ask a question, you don't get an answer. Everybody acts as if everything's okay, and everybody's wearing masks. It's not honky dory.

Linda Clay:
Yeah, you know, they can do it. Part of the problem in this day and age is the white noise, it contributes to fantasyland. I don't think our minds are actually built to take in this constant barrage of information and noise and glitter and emulation like and all this stuff. You're trying to absorb it all, and you don't know how to put decent boundaries down anymore. When I was growing up and say like the Vietnam War, that was the first time we actually had almost instantaneous news. I mean, they would put it on TV prior to that. Think about it, people got it off the radio. There's no visual, visual input, you just have the person telling you, or you have, you know, newscasters in the early, late 50s and 60s that were just telling you the news, you go on TV now and the news is a show everything instant, you know, and I don't think our minds can actually take that in. So that adds to the stress. You watch TV now and somebody put this post on Facebook and it was like, I've never gotten a car for Christmas. You know, but you see that on TV? (Oprah you get a car you get a car.)

Dhylles Victoria:

Cuz to me it is tell lies vision. It's just a whole bunch of lies, so I don't even like it. Yeah, me being an empath is too much like I just I can't do it. I'm like, you know what? Screw TV. My fiance, she wants to get a smart TV I'm like you can watch Netflix and all the other stuff that we are not going to get cable when I watch that foolishness. Because it's

the opposite.
Anika Wilson:
I want to know what's going on so that I can mentally prepare for the chaos like. I just have to know. I panic if I don't know what's going on. I try to filter as best I can with what is provided. I feel like a Pure filter.

Dhylles Victoria:
Just go on facebook, facebook, got everything live, live and everything will pop up. That's why I don't miss television. I really I haven't seen I haven't watched TV in three years.

Monica Zimmerman:
Okay, jump in here and tell the next thing real quick. These are my favorite. I also want to talk about what Linda said about self care early on. Clearly the mantra, whatever that looks like for you. Some people it's a glass of wine. Some people it's whatever a walk, it's a run. It's Oprah, Ellen whomever. These are the two things I like to say. When there's a hot topic, if something feels uncomfortable in the room, I am having trouble redirecting the conversation or or not keeping my mouth shut:

10. "I have to go potty".

Because it can happen anytime. It's perfect. You're by yourself unless you have

a little one on you know on the foot. Second of all you close the door. No one's going to to dispute you have to go to the bathroom. No one's going to challenge that if you will. And you can stay in there. 20 minutes, you know, not to get in there. No one cares. No one wants to know. TMI. TMI. TMI. So, I have to go potty is one of my big phrases I like to use and I could stay in there and read my book and hang out and do whatever I want meditate. But it gets me out of the situation in this game. It really is. Yeah, you know, and next is:

11. Work Out

Oh, I have to go work out because I want so and so's pumpkin pie tonight and, and people like oh, because it's appropriate for the situation again. Yeah, I go out for an hour. Go down. We were going to my family in Oklahoma, where they live on a golf course and they have this gym and we're going to walk to the gym. It's been probably an hour and a half their day to day. Great. I'm happy to do so. Just to get out just again, get out of house and offer yourself self care. So those are two things I really like to say. When I get overwhelmed, overstimulated, there's just too much of everything going around going on. That's how I build on my self care.

And no one disputes it. So that's that's my final thing that I like to my go to those my to go tos.

Dhylles Victoria:
Those are great. Those are great. Went to Houston with my fiance's family before she moved to Savannah, it was like a big to do with her daughters and they were upset because she was leaving and how dare she propose to me and how do we get married and yadda yadda yadda. So, we're working on setting the boundaries for that situation. Because even though things are okay, it's still a little uncomfortable for them. So now, the fact that she told them you know, I'm not coming without Dhylles, and if she can't go, I'm not coming for Christmas. So they have to swallow that. They will actually meet me face to face because they haven't met me yet. So I can only imagine what that conversations going to be like. Well, because when I went in May for Mother's Day weekend, it was like, why does she have to come on Mother's Day weekend? That's Mother's Day weekend, and I'm like, it's not a big deal. So she's texting them and calling them and ignoring her and then she's telling them that she was going to propose but she didn't have time to tell them something. When she did propose, it was like oh my gosh, how do you? I'm like, well, when they decided to get married or be with their partners they didn't ask you for permission to do so or for validation. So why the hell do you need to explain yourself to your mom. So we got into that conversation. So we go next month, so I'll keep you guys posted on how that goes.

Anika Wilson:
You know, it's interesting because I've pretty much just cut everybody off in order to get married and be happy. When I tried to do everything with everybody involved, it was about everybody but me. I've had to really adjust in the last four months on how to live my own life, because I've never done that. I've kind of escaped in everybody else. When you do that, you really don't worry about you. But when people say take care of you, the first thing I always say to them is what does that mean? We do take care of everybody else. In addition, I got a career of taking care of everybody else. So it has literally just turned into something that spiraled out of control. So when you talk about boundaries, and you talk about health, I know how to teach mental health and mental wellness, but do I execute it? No. I grew up meditating. I grew up eating right, I grew up doing these things, but when you get in the hustle and bustle of life, constantly reacting to life and other people's behaviors, it is really hard to be intentional. You want to do things and then other people impact what you're doing. Ultimately, you just give up or just say, forget it. I don't care. I'm just rolling with it. So this conversation makes me really think.

Are You Enforcing Boundaries In Your Life?

I didn't think I was executing boundaries, however, I now realize that's exactly what I did. It's extreme for me, because in the past, I've tried to put boundaries in place. What always happens? People take an inch, and then a mile and that's why it was either access granted or access denied. That's how it goes sometimes. I want people to understand is that it is very hard to do but beneficial. I post a lot about choosing who you allow in your life and who you deny. Utilizing the Access Granted/ Access Denied Concept has changed the trajectory of my life. It's empowering to demote negative influences and finally say no. Watching my life change after closing the all access granted path to my world has attributed to my success, security and overall confidence.

"Don't Be afraid of happiness, and never run away from peace."

Oh, to know what stands between your mental dysfunction and peace. You know what the solution is, never be afraid to pull that card because you deserve it.

Linda Clay:
I think boundaries has a bad rap. People think that setting boundaries means that you're selfish. I'm saying that setting boundaries is practicing self care. If you're practicing, you're putting in place things that are stopping that negative I call negative or energy vampires, those people that suck the life out of you. And they can come in any shape, size or form. They can be work related. They could be home related, what it doesn't matter. But it's the hardest thing to do if it's family. Mm hmm. But, you know, as I've learned, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Is to learn to say no. Doesn't mean you're mean. It doesn't mean your selfish it just means that you know what my space is my space and I can't I can't deal with this. It's not, you know, you're not good for me right now. Come back later. Kind of like, you know you're shopping and not making a decision right away. We can ome back later make sure that you come back, correct. Yeah.

Monica Zimmerman:

Also, boundaries is a marathon with some people. They don't believe you. Right? Oh, I don't believe that. I'm going to come closer because I don't really believe you because you don't believe it. And then it's exhausting sometimes to keep holding up, that whatever that boundary is, and oftentimes, it's a marathon, the people closest with you, to you, around you. So that's where the self care comes in. If you can't regenerate, you can't hold your boundary clearly. If you're frazzled in other areas, the boundary frazzles with you and you kind of melt into it. So, again, like I said, Anika said, illicit

self care.

Linda Clay:
Well, you know, and to your point, Monica it's like, you know, we're raised to want to be loved. I mean, that's human nature, right? We want to be liked, we want to be loved. So, we grow up on this path, and we think that the only way to be loved or liked is by, doing things for everybody else. Then the word boundary comes up and it's like, oh, wait a minute. No, I can't do I can't do that because they won't like me. Or they won't love me rejection. It all stems from that myself included, We have to learn is that people are going to love me no matter what. So if I say, no, not right now.
That starts with us loving ourselves.

Anika Wilson:

I realized "you know what I love the skin I'm in and I'm okay with who I am"! Being told I was fat for so long, and all these things, I started being told I was fat at the age of 15. When I was modeling, I was considered full figured in the 90s. Before that was a thing. So I quit modeling, because I didn't want to be a full figured model. I think I'm normal, but you're telling me I'm fat, you know? And so that starts back then. So over a 20 year period, it ate me alive. Then it didn't even matter. My lack of self confidence stemmed from society's perception of me. When we talk about us wanting love and accepting love, it has to begin with loving ourselves as we say self-care, but we need to really elaborate on what it means because some people honestly don't know.

What is Self-Care

Linda Clay:
What it means is self love and to your married when I was 20. I raised my two daughters, I lost my husband 20 years ago, then I raised my granddaughter. So I raised two families in a period of, well till I was like 63. What I just realized is that from the time that my husband died until now, I've been on that path of self love. Because as a female or woman, you take care of everybody else. You don't learn to love yourself, because everybody's telling you how to be, and what you should be doing. Oh, no, no, no, you should do that. You know, that's, parents will do that. So you take that in. Self love is the key to any healthy relationship, but it starts with yourself. If you don't love yourself, if you don't practice that self love, then that's one reason why boundaries never work.

Dhylles Victoria:
Yeah, quite a self love for me was leaving New York City and moving to Savannah, Georgia.

Environment is Everything.

Now, it'll be a year that I moved. And when I told everyone that I was moving, but why, um, and my, my response to them was, why not? Why stay stuck here in a state where the energy frequency is crazy and people are stressed out and depressed because you're living from paycheck to paycheck. And there's so much crime and so much stuff going on in New York City, I decided to move out of the environment and come to a place where it's more peaceful and quiet for me to think and connect. And so that was a major shift in self love on my part that I did for myself, setting a boundary because setting a boundary being away from New York is a huge boundary in itself. There's too much going on over there. So I decided to just remove myself from the situation. And one thing that a lot of people are telling me Oh, you're running away from your problems. I'm like, I don't have issues like that. I'm not running away from anything. I'm running towards peace and love. That's what I'm running towards. I'm not running away from anything.

I understand New York is great. And if you could make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. Well my ancestors and my spirit guides are here in Savannah. Why? Why would I not want to share with you wherever you go?

I couldn't hear them in New York because of the damn buses and trains and that's right.

Why do you think I live in the trees and the trees? I don't go to the city. I takes me 45 minutes and I'm there and I can be my Urban self. And then I come back and my bird like self so probably just go ha then oh my gosh, yeah, I'm not trying to hear those noises anymore.

Monica Zimmerman:
So I have a question. For self care for everybody, what does everybody do? Or what do they go into? Either what they do now or what are they going? What are they going to do in the holidays? What's that?

Dhylles Victoria:
I take nice long showers with my recharge sage and mints, body wash and I speak to my ancestors and my spirit guides and I stay here for a minute and I go into the bed. And the other thing I do is when I know that I'm over working myself as because we're all entrepreneurs you know you want to get...

Anika Wilson:
Dhylles is always calling me at night. Stop working. Yep, stop working.

Dhylles Victoria:
I'm like, Did you eat drink water every morning? She called she says Did you eat yet? No.

I implemented that within myself drinking more water. You know, eating properly taking my vitamins and shutting it down like shutting the laptop down shutting the shutting everything down. Like really, really resting and turning off my mind because I think Have 5 million hamsters in a wheel just spinning all day every day. You guys know you're creatives and it's always going so good to just shut everything down. I haven't learned yet not just think that in my head that's what I do for self care.

Anika Wilson:
For me, it's music. I literally, when I'm not on a podcast, I have my Pandora playing. The channels change according to my mood. I used to do devotion every morning watching either Michael Todd or John Gray, or Lisa Bevere, Priscilla Shirer. And that's what shifted my life. I made a vision board and it's funny because it's the first time I've done it when everything in the year happened. I can see that in the last year of me being intentional and getting up every day and spending that time with myself and, I learned what I needed to pour into me in order to get a different result. I learned to take control of my thoughts, actions and outcomes. And so, for me, that's music and devotion. And also even having um, um, what do you call these things? I can't find the word affirmations. Yes. All around the house you know and um and and so I'm still working on the unplug part because I have the watch, the iPad, but I put one down and the other one pings and I'm like okay, well.

Dhylles Victoria:
she is the one that has so much freaking technology in her home I'm like, Girl, can walk away Just do it. I just want to go through the laptop and just shake her.

Anika Wilson:
I'm working on it. I'm working on it. I want people to really understand about entrepreneurs, or even working from home. Everybody thinks that we have it made no, we actually work longer hours because we don't have the commute time and we don't have this and, so I want to work on 12-14 hour days and everybody's like, why are you tired? But I also love what I'm doing and for me sometimes It is my self care. I'm making graphics. It's the artistic side of me that's relaxing, and things like that. So, for me, mostly music.

Linda Clay:
And I practice, how do I practice self care? I do things like get off the computer and wash the dishes. I mean, anything like that, it centers me just to do the little dishes that I have. I'm by myself right now, I'm heading to California in a few weeks to be with the grandkids for Christmas. So, you know, if the weather's nice, which is usually nicer than Seattle, I'll do walks. I love walking. And so that's what I'll do here. If it's not raining, I'll take long walks. You know, I tried to do three to four miles. And it just, I don't know, being out in nature, I think is one of the most beneficial things a person can do. And they're actually writing books about it now and stuff because we're not we're in our houses all the time. The computer getting all that, you know, white noise into our heads. And there is something I took some several weeks ago with the trees were just bright orange and red and yellow. And the sky for once was blue. And I mean it was like God's creation really. I mean the colors was like, you know, if you believe in God or universe or whatever, they took a paintbrush and just totally, it was absolutely gorgeous, but that the walking helps me out tremendously just to recenter. There's something I need to do, and then I binge watch TV. I do that to relax. I do it because it shuts off all those, like you said, the little hamsters in my head. And so I find my favorite show and I will watch a couple episodes of it every single night and last season's going to to have to slash watch.

Oh Wildheart is my new one. One oh my god is so good. It's filmed in Africa. The animals and stuff are just like amazing.

Blacklist for me.

Oh, yeah, I've watched every single one of those.

Monica Zimmerman:
Oh my God, I love that show. So I could feel, I could feel myself in about three weeks. Having to go to the bathroom a lot more. (coping skill)

Anika Wilson:
That's going to to be on my list.

Outside for sure (coping skill).

Anika Wilson:
Well, I'm going to to tell y'all a secret. I'm going to the in laws for the first time ever. So I've never done this. You know this. I'm a newlywed. So I don't know how to feel.

Just be yourself. That's it.

Which was fine. My first time I this is my mother in law's house. I

I was like, What can Sir, how can I help? And I shit I said nothing, and did whatever she told me to do. I come from a southern family and that's what you do. Yeah.

And we're buds you know, forever bugs this way.

Well, it's all sisters in laws and brothers in laws. We don't have any parents left. So parents, okay, I do but he doesn't. So this is what was always that one matriarch. No, no, it's gone. Yeah, I'm saying is always one matriarch. In charge of this one pager, someone who kind of was the villain I have, I know which one it is. And so I'm hoping that this goes good. So, so yeah, so delicious. You got the same scenario going on.

Dhylles Victoria: Her mom loves me. Her mother actually told her don't mess it up.

Right. But um, that's pretty much Well, what I did was I kind of reached out to them
the other day for anyone else.

I'm doing something for my fiance for her birthday coming up. And so actually included them so they were like oh my God, thank you so much. We appreciate it. No problem.

So I kind of like kind of like to piggyback off of the mall Yeah.

The hospitality generally being that open up lines of communication that way.

Linda Clay:
Cool. So right I said I was going to my my daughter's and she lives out on the East Bay in California. And so when you speak of self care, they going there actually helps me limit how many hours I work because the grandkids and plus they do things like go to Treasure Island and look at the city and you know, and stuff like that, and I absolutely love doing that. So yeah, so there's those. There are issues as usual with any family. There's those little dynamics that crop up. But the benefit that I walk away with being able to cut back on my computer time not I'm a workaholic, so I'll sit and work till I go to bed. Even though I might watch today. Yeah. So it actually is a benefit to go and just kind of be, you know, just really be like what I asked him to go to the city, because I love going to San Francisco and just, you know, seeing the ice skating rink and going down to the Embarcadero and all that kind of stuff, which is fun. Oh, yeah. We walked across the Golden Gate last time I was Yeah. Last time I was down there.

Yeah, nice.

Monica Zimmerman:
Yeah, it's lovely. For sure. Yeah. One thing we do in our family is we turn off everything electronic in our house at nighttime. no later than 10. typically try to do nine but we get some some from the teenager so admitted that last week.10 o'clock. changed our lives. Everything unplugged computer, everything's off. Wi Fi is off. everything done. Wow. Good. Yeah, it's amazing. We just that's radical self care.

Dhylles Victoria:
That's actually, when my when I was raised my granddaughter she had insomnia and so one of the things that her counselor told us was that she needed to stop all electronics an hour before she because it plays in your mind and the Leon and to read the most boring book she could find the whatever boring and and it worked you know but if you think about it, and I you know you brought up blacklist I've watched some of those shows before bed and then I go to bed and now that I'm older, I recognize it and I'm laying in bed and I am playing those murder scenes and all this kind of stuff constantly and I'm all night long. And it's like okay, just can't do this. Can't do these kinds of shows right before bed anymore.

Anika Wilson:
I'm a I'm a crime-A-Holic. I was a correction officer and I watched everything you know, the blacklist was that phenomenal to watch it? Oh, Dexter for binge watching and stuff and it doesn't bother me. It's relaxing. I used to watch lifetime to give me a confidence booster. It'd be like, Oh, my life's not that bad. You know, and now I'm trying to make myself watch action and comedy. I am watching my life evolve. I'm trying to find new things to enjoy. I'm laughing a lot more, I embrace my goofy side more, and I allow myself to be and I used to be the most serious, stringent person, um, because I don't know why it was paying. I don't know why. But now I just, I just try to enjoy the moment I'm listening to you. And I'm like seeing the visions of the colors. And I actually live somewhere for the first time in 20 years where the leaves change, and little things like that. They really do make a big difference. And that's what I do is you talk about moving, the best thing I did was move and leave and marry my husband, and I don't know where I'm going to live in six months, but you know what, I'm finally open to it because it has forced me to mature it has forced me to grow. It has forced me to explore, it's forced me to travel. Recognize who invested in me and who I need to invest in, because when we're closed off, and we don't allow ourselves to be filled, we don't flourish, we're stagnant like a dead flower, and I right now I'm being fertilized. We talk about working all the time. That's kind of addictive too. It's addictive for me as I feel that I am finally around the right energy. It's hard sometimes to unplug because it's like oh my gosh, where's this been all my life? You know, but balance is key. So even thinking about the holidays and stuff I'm like, oh, okay, cuz now I am different than I was before so when you said just be me I'm like which me?

Which me? Are you wearing a mask? or are they just roles?

The working me, or the coach me, the military wife, regular wife, mom, sister or daughter.

Dhylles Victoria: even my wife me It's different than those masks those masks we put on?

Well, it's, it's no two. So it's like trying to figure out how to make it all mesh in a healthy way. I know how to make it mesh in the chaotic, crazy way of just winging it. But that's not even who I am anymore. You know,

Linda Clay: it was a life a fantastic journey. I mean, it's just like, yeah, people used to do remember when you were 21, and you thought everything, you'd be an adult, and you would know it all at 21. I mean, I didn't know. And now I know that the journey never ends. You know, it doesn't end until the day you end. But you're constantly learning and growing. If you allow yourself to always say we never stopped growing until we take our last breath,

right? Yep.

Anika Wilson: Do you know some people don't grow? And that's the problem.

Dhylles Victoria: Yeah, girl. Those little boys and little girls are still inside controlling the grown men and grown women.

Growth has nothing to do with age.

So what is the number one boundary we're going to implement in the next 30 days?


That's a good question.

Monica Zimmerman:
My boundary is I'm putting myself first, like that and not third, or fourth or fifth or second. I'm putting myself first. I like that.

Yeah, I like that. That's good.

Which is I have to practice self care, which means putting yourself first.

So he kind of goes exactly with what you're saying, Monica.

I like that. I might adopt that one.

So um, all right. Well, and the last thing I want to ask each of you is we're Can you believe the 2019 is knocking on the door.

What goal do you have for 2019?

I said what goal Don't I have I think I've just completed

Dhylles Victoria:
I think for me, the goal is to love this woman even more. I don't feel like I've loved anyone as much as I love her. And just to continue that because I'm in a space right now we're actually before and she told me this when we met. I have half love people in my life and I had a wall because of all the things has happened to me. So I'm learning to like fully love her. Yeah,

yep. Wow, that's profound. I get it. I totally get that.

Anika Wilson: I think I had it and I lost it. Okay, somebody else does.

She messed me up because I was like, Oh, I'm guilty.

Am I guilty?

Linda Clay: Oh go I have a mission. My mission is to reach a million people by the year two, I think I have 2021 and help them really live the life they want, and not the one that they've been told they need to do. Because we've all been told this is what you should do in your life. You know, oh my god, you want to do what? You know enough of that ********? Yeah.

I'm kicking that I'm really upping my game to make that happen, really in my 2019 to really get it going. And be out there speak talk because I have a message to share and to embrace my age, which

you're fabulous, Linda, you're fabulous.

Monica Zimmerman:

Oh, I like to play. Oh no, my goal is to you know, take over the world and build my empire just that

small piece, you know, reaching people being state seeing my true self. I mean, scaling your business is one thing doing this doing that. But if, if I'm not true to myself and I keep myself in check, none of this stuff is going to work. So I have to play it close to home before I can go out and play in other people's parks. That sounds kind of weird, but if you're right, you're 100% right? Totally.

Anika Wilson:
I know what my goal for 2019 is to break old patterns. I relate with what Dhylles said. I have always had a guard up for knowing how to accept love and accept help. In the last couple of months, both me and Dhylles had hysterectomy's. I'm in week five, she's in week six. It's the first time I have been vulnerable to that degree. It was hard for me because I've had a lot of bad experiences. It's hard to accept love and to learn how to love yourself and be loved. So, in 2019, I think for me, is to just surrender and be open, I have been guarded. I used to teach people about that but I was guarded you know, I will I've always had this shield and being Sheera fighting crime and advocating for the world but I was closing myself off from blessings and you know, love and opportunity and growth and now I'm wide open and and that is my goal for 2019 to be ready to receive.

Anika Wilson:

I'm Anika Wilson. I want to thank you guys all for being a part of this journey. Thank you ladies for being here. Monica, thank you for pushing me. You actually inspire me a lot. Linda, I love your story. And I'm so happy. And we definitely have more to come. All of you three. Y'all are. Y'all are paramount in my career and in my life, my personal life was being a part of my journey. And I wish you guys a happy holiday. And to the listeners, you guys keep listening out for whatever these ladies have. They're amazing.

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